Film: Star Wars I - The Phantom Menace
Directed by: George Lucas
Year: 1999
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman
Reviewed by: JJ

Before I do this review, let me get one thing out of the way - George Lucas can't direct. He never was a decent director. He does do action well, I'll give him that. But directing, no, he cannot do.

Not only can't he direct, he can't write dialogue either. I've seen better dialogue in porn. Well, not quite, but almost.

For anyone who doesn't know the story, Darth Vader used to be Annakin Skywalker. Here, we see Annakin as a little kid called "Annie." Annie? What the fuck, Lucas? That's a girl's name. No wonder he became the most evil person in the galaxy. If my parents named me Annie, I'd blow up planets too.

The sad thing is this movie could have been decent. Lucas probably knows he can't write dialogue, so there's a shitload of action and some bad ass special effects. Lucas (or someone else) also can choreograph some kick ass fight scenes.

Despite all of Lucas's flaws, the movie managed to flow along well until Lucas did the most boneheaded thing in a decade of movies - insert Jar Jar Binks. I know what Lucas was aiming for. He was trying to create a comic relief element. Well, George, you failed miserably.

Everyone over the age of eight hates that fucking character. I guess he's funny if you're retarded, but if your IQ is in the triple digits, forget it. The sad thing is, I would have somewhat enjoyed this movie if Lucas took this character out. I went into the movie knowing that Lucas can't write dialogue, so my expectations were already low.

3 J's out of 10. You fucked up, George. Well, you got hundreds of millions for this slop, so I guess you can't feel too bad. But deep down inside, you know what everyone's saying about Jar Jar Binks. The best thing you could have done was kill him off in the next movie.

Comments