Film: ¡Átame! (or "Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!")

Directed by: Pedro Almodóvar

Written by: Pedro Almodóvar & Yuri Beringola

Country: Spain

Language: Spanish

Year: 1990

Starring: Victoria Abril, Antonio Banderas

Reviewed by: JJ

While the masses watch lame ass bullshit directed by mediocre directors like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, true film aficionadas watch movies directed by real directors, like Pedro Almodóvar, Martin Scorcese, and Quinten Tarantino. It's okay though, it really is. I don't expect much from the masses. Their brains hurt with the least bit of use. That's why they can't comprehend Jazz and instead watch things like American Idol. It's all their puny little brains can handle.

Pedro Almodóvar knows how to make movies. He knows how to build characters. His characters have depth. And he knows how to direct. Watch a Pedro Almodóvar movie, then watch a Steven Spielberg movie, and you will see that Pedro Almodóvar expects you to think, Steven Spielberg would rather think for you, because he mistakenly thinks he's smarter than you are.

He is not, if you are reading this review. Because my beloved, if you are reading this review, you are already in the world's elite. You are the best of the best. You are a true film snob, and you're pretty damn proud of it. And I'm proud of you.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! stars the gorgeous Victoria Abril as a soft-core porn actress & junkie. She's beautiful, she's addicted, but she's talented, so talented that a good director decides to cast her in his cheap (probably an homage to giallo) horror film as the lead character. The director falls in love with her as well, and can't stop thinking of her.

Enter Antonio Banderas. Young. Good-looking. His only problem is he's not quite ready to be let out of the loonie bin. A judge makes that mistake, let's him out, and quickly, he stalks and kidnaps Victoria Abril.

You can guess what happens next. I won't give it away, but more than half the movie is after that point. This movie offended American women's groups, but what doesn't? Best of all, this movie, along with Henry & June (which some day I'll review), gave us the NC-17 rating.

Watch it. See a great director and action. Then come back and leave a comment. I'll be sure to reply.

Not Pedro Almodóvar's best work, but still, a good comedy, and plenty of Victoria Abril naked. For you ladies (and gay men), you'll see more than I wanted to see of Antonio Banderas as well.

8 J's

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Some selected screenshots

And because I like you, here's an example of the movie's cuteness. I loved this scene of a diving man water toy sexually pleasing Victoria Abril.

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Destination Complete

A bath toy every single woman should own

And I'm telling you all, she's easy on the eyes in more way than one. Here's her changing. Pedro Almodóvar definitely knows how to get the most out of his actresses. And there were plenty of scenes like this:

-JJ

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