What to do if you have undead in your basement

What do you do if you have various undead making noises in your basement?

First things first. Send someone else to investigate. How about that pesky neighbor? Tell him Uncle Vernon just retired and left you all his tools and he could select what he wants from your old tools. After Mr. Neighbor's initial scream, see if you could find out what's about to kill him. Shout at him to identify the undead creature. Hopefully, Mr. Neighbor will give a positive identification before that final crunch and he would have served his purpose.

Now that you know what killed Mr. Neighbor, you'll know what to deal with. First things first, always have in your house the necessities - shotgun, gasoline, holy water, a good, solid metal cross, and a wooden dagger. You should keep all of these ready by your bed at all times anyways, because you never know what may be in your basement.

I have consulted one of Europe's leading Demonology experts and after a lengthy interview, he has disclosed how to dispose of the following undead beings. Please note that he asked to remain anonymous because he doesn't want to be bothered by phone calls at 3 in the morning by someone who failed to read the instructions carefully. The following undead are ranked from weakest to most powerful. Do not underestimate even the weakest of the undead, for keep in mind, even a single zombie can overwhelm a dozen untrained and unarmed men.

Undead beast	Description	Solution
Zombie	Undead creature with viral infection. Victim will become a zombie if bitten.	Shoot it in the head or blow it up
Necro zombie	Dead body animated by a necromancer	Blow them up
Skeleton	Skeleton of a creature animated by a necromancer. Not as slow and awkward as a necro zombie	Blow them up
Greater skeletal servant	Once a high ranking official, now dead in skeletal form, but animated by a necromancer	Blow them up
Voodoo zombie	A living creature drugged and animated by an evil voodoo witch or warlock	Blow them up
Wight	A true undead being, partly in this world, but part ethereal	You can blow them up, but they're resistant to it. Better to use a holy artifact or relic, holy water, etc
Spectre, ghost or banshee	Just like in they are in the movies	Immune to physical attacks, need an enchanted blade. If you don't already have a spectre in your house, no worries. If you do, just sell the house. Just don't tell the real estate agent.
Vampire	Blood sucking creatures of the night	Wood through the heart or decapitation. You can use any type of wood. That means, have some shotgun shells with wood chips mixed with your shot. Careful though because vampires have other special powers, like they can summon wind, which could make you off balance when trying to shoot them with your shotgun. Keep in mind though that the average vampire is as strong as ten full-grown men. So challenging them to an arm wrestling match would not be in your best interest. [1]
Wraith	Once great warriors or kings that became cursed through evil magic	Need enchanted arrows, Native American Shamans, Voodoo Experts, or a good Exorcist. If you can't find any of the above, sorry, you'll have to abandon the house.
Lesser demon	Demon from another plane of existence. About the size of a man.	Immune to most physical and magical attacks. Likes to torment you for eternity. Best way to dispel this guy is with a void cube.[2] Cute Goth chick with blue hair who says she's a witch is only equal to a weak spectre, so she's no help, even with thousands of her friends. [3] Best bet is to kill yourself because it will torment you for eternity if you don't.[4][5]
Greater demon	Really, really big demon. Good news is this guy won't fit in your basement. He's about as big as an 18-wheeler. So if you hear noises in your basement, it won't be a Greater Demon.	Immune to almost all physical and magical attacks. Far worse than a lesser demon. In fact, it could summon lesser demons and is a powerful sorcerer on its own. Solution? See lesser demon.

[1] You never want to arm wrestle a vampire. Even Sylvester Stallone with his signature "over the top" move AND his hat on backwards would simply get his arm torn off by a vampire.

[2] Unfortunately, they don't sell those at Wal-Mart.

[3] Assuming she is telling the truth and really is a witch and not just some dumb kid with delusions of grandeur who watched one too many episodes of Charmed.

[4] Don't try kicking him in the ding ding either. That won't work. Instead, your leg will be disintegrated and sent to another plane of existence.

[5] A dozen of these buggers can tackle the U.S. Army. Best that you leave this guy to someone else, if possible.