I didn’t know that Zombieslayer’s favourite band Nightwish and my (Badman’s) favourite director Peter Greenaway had so much in common - this is quite amusing:

Michael Nyman composed the score for more than 4 of Peter Greenaway’s films, including his finest, 1989’s “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover”.  It turns out Nyman’s music has been honoured many times by many artists and organizations, which stands to reason as he is certainly one of the world’s greatest living composers.

As it turns out, Nyman’s “The Heart Asks Pleasure First” was covered by the Finnish symphonic metal band Nightwish.  Nyman rightly refused it to be released.

Too funny.  I will have to track that down to hear just how awfully they butchered it.

We’d all agree that some sort of punishment should be given when a person takes another person’s life.  I propose that the penalty for such action should be directly proportional to the irresponsibility of the crime.  Therefore, if you accidentally run over some children on the sidewalk while driving your car, you should be strapped in the fryer post haste.  On the other hand, if you methodically and purposefully plan out a murder, you should probably be put away…  But first we must examine your intentions.  If the life-snuff was justifiable, like a vigilantism retribution move, then it’s all good and you won’t have to do much, if any, time down at the local pen.  For example, if your daughter is raped by some misanthropic sociopath, you and your brother take the key, open the rack, remove the guns, and proceed to blow the dude’s head clean open down on the tracks just south of town.  No reason anyone should be locked up over that - justice was served far better than burning tax-payer’s money in lengthy trials, when everyone knows what was done was right.

We’ve discussed taking a life off this planet.  Let’s now turn to an interesting flip-side of this equation.  If you bring a life onto this planet, in Bad Man’s utopia you will be greeted with a similar judicial system.  If you just popped out a puppy cuz you forgot to take your pill or use a raincoat, or just don’t care and are already on welfare, then yeah, you should be strapped in and prep’ed for your immediate terminal injection.  If you took some time and got married and planned out your family then, yeah, you should probably be put away…  But first we will allow your intentions to be examined.  If you have the savings in your immediate bank account to pay for your progeny’s college tuition at a prestigious national university, and will be able to afford to provide her a life with full access to the best health care, private education, cellular plan, and space-camp every summer, then you shouldn’t have to spend much time, if any, down at the local pen with people who can’t seem to drive straight.

Starting a new concept here - spec out your personal favorite planetoid denizen with which to hang.  Well, I guess it doesn’t have to be terrestrial…

BODY
Species:
Gender:
Age (range):
Birthdate(s):
Race (with proportions):
Hair colour (with proportions):
Hair length:
Eye colour:
Skin colourations:
Physique type:
Physical adornments:
Fashion motifs:
Athletic interests:
Culinary preferences:
Sexual preferences:
Voice characteristics:

MIND
Literary influences:
Musical biases:
Intelligencia Coefficient:
Social tendencies:
Languages spoken:
Personality qualities:
Educational characteristics:
Aesthetic interests:

SPIRIT
Morality indicators:
Spiritual disposition(s):
Religious affiliation(s);

GENERAL
Traveling experiences:
Historical frameworks:
Occupational provisions:
Talents:
Hobbies:
Modus Operandi:
Special interests:
General Observations:

In addition to my earlier post listing a bunch of bands that suck (see here), I think I need to make this post a little more focused.  In order to really  HATE a musical artist, they have to be pretty much in the realm of my favorite type of music.  Sure, it’s easy to hate Willie Nelson or Garth Brooks, but do those really count?  It goes without saying that country sucks, and sucks hard.  But when a band is from one of my favorite genres, like post-punk, alternative, or even (although I guess I don’t really like it much anymore, so I don’t know what I’m talking about) rock then said band deserves special recognition in the all-time suckiest bands list.  And that’s what this is.

One last thing - these bands are all extremely popular.  There are many bands that suck as much as these; that also goes without saying.  But when a band is tremendously popular, then again, they are open for that elitist opportunity to find their names ensconced on this prestigious list.

Television - this band is on everyone’s top post-punk godfather of all that comes after in the indie and alternative genres, and they supposedly are a continuation of the greats like The Stooges and The Velvet Underground.  Everytime I hear them, and Tom Verlaine (their lead singer) on his solo output (and I own it, plus most of the Television releases) I want to shoot myself.  And not in a good way, like The Cure or Mazzy Star.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Flea was with great bands, like Jane’s Addiction and Fear, as was Dave Navarro (in Jane’s), so these guys get full suck-fest credit.
Foo Fighters - Nirvana was (perhaps unfortunately) one of the greatest bands of all time.  Part of their great sound was undeniably Dave Grohl’s hard-hitting drumming.  So that he could continue on (while Krist Novoselic has the common decency to live off his Nirvana royalties and leave us in thankful silence) and create such suck-ass soul-less hard rock shit is just offensive all the way around.
Rage Against the Machine - I HATE rap-core, but at least Korn has something interesting (musically) about them, these guys just beat into my brain that they are too politically aware to shut the fuck up, choosing rather to annoy us with their mysterious brand of crappy hard core shit.  And everyone’s so excited that they got back together.  Apparently some good things just can’t be left alone.
Aerosmith - Okay, I’m not into mainstream rock, or classic rock, but I have to give the nod to these assclowns as they take suck to a whole new level.
The Eagles - Now I’m really venturing far from my fav genres, but as with Aerosmith EVERYONE loves these suckass jokers.  Special recognition as all the members’ side projects also suck.  And suck hard.
Dave Mathews Band - I don’t think I need to qualify this one at all.  If you’re following along at home just know this - DMB sucks raw donkey wiener.
Sublime - One of the worst bands of all time, hands down.  Luckily the dude is dead, so we’re safe, just as soon as I can round up the rest of their records and burn them on the trash heap.  I’m buying them as fast as I can - thank god for ebay.
Live - Does this guy’s voice kill your ability to enjoy music for at least a day?  Me too.
Incubus - Everyone in the alternative crowd thinks quite highly of this band.  I find their music generally repulsive.
Primus - I need to include this one, although their following is (luckily) limited to hacky-sack bouncing dirty blonde dreadlocked near-homeless white guys wearing Jamaican flag colored beanies, because I’m all about bass, loving the rhythm section most as in Goth music, and this guy takes bad bass playing to a whole ‘nother level.

The rest I’m not going to waste our time on other than to list them (for the most part):
Goo Goo Dolls
Blind Melon
Staind
Nickelback
Hootie and the suck-ass Blowfish
Blues Traveler - please travel away from me.  Faster.
Barenaked Ladies
Soul Asylum
Soul Coughing
Sugar Ray
Third Eye Blind
Three Doors Down
311
Three Days Grace - these last four bands all further proof that disaster really does indeed strike in 3’s.
Mighty Mighty Bosstones - another band composed of people who were once in competent punk outfits.  How’s that for an oxymoron?
Gin Blossoms
The Spin Doctors
Limp Bizkit
Coldplay
Counting Crows - hopefully if those crows they are counting are anything like their brethren from the Hitchcock film they’ll shit on the band enough to electrocute them when they play their guitars, in a surreal twist leaving the drummer the only one alive.  Oh, thank god - he sings backup vocals - his mic got him.
Creed
4 Non Blondes
Smashmouth
Queens of the Stoneage
Guns and Roses - Okay, so “Jungle” was a great (albeit epic) dirge, but this guy has the worst voice on the planet.  Except for any high-pitched heavy metal voice, but that goes without saying.
Kid Rock
Kiss
Judas Priest - I have to give a special award to this band, because they look  really cool, although they definitely don’t have any sort of punk fashion sensibility they perfected the heavy rock fetish style in spades.  Not popular enough to really include here, I have included them because someone I really respect, Zombieslayer, actually adores them.  So much so, that he ranks them in his top, well, 1.  So I TRY, I really try, to see what he sees in them.  I listened to their 1977 offering (many times over), “Sin After Sin”, and it is without a doubt the best example of everything I HATE about music.  Again, it’s all the more so because they (probably) have the ability to do something decent dressed like that, but instead just nailed quite the opposite.  I’m quite sure that ZS is happy that I hate them, cuz indifference would be worse.  Rest assured ZS, I’m not indifferent about Judas Priest.  Your other two bands, Nightwish and (especially) Him are just mediocre, not worthy of putting on this list.

So there you have it.  The worst modern music that fits into the, or is related to the, for lack of a better word, rock genre.

ZS chose first, without that being fairly determined. But I allowed it, so it’s my fault.

The current picks are:

Rounds last from 10 AM to 10 PM and back to 10 AM, 2 per 24 hour span.  If you don’t bid, you loose that round.  If we bid more frequently, an open round will never be less than 12 hours.  All times PST.

I HATE dogs.  Everyone I know has one, and they love them like children.  That is so  pathetic.  Dogs suck.  They, like marriage, are an antiquated concept from the medieval ages.  There is NO reason in modern times to have a dog, unless you’re living in some altered state of reality - in which apparently many of my friends exist.  Yuck.  Is it a misplaced sense of responsibility to care for another Earth creature?  Misguided gross vulgar transference is what I call it.

You want a toy?  Buy one like the rest of us at ToysfuckingR’ Us.

The same could be said for cats and their owners, but cats could give a fuck, and it shows.  So I’m cool with cats.

The truth is all the people I know who own muts want something that gives unconditional love, because THEY CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE ELSE, except a trapped beast.  It is so obviously a power complex.  And they spend oodles of dough on the canine.  Too funny.  Thank god I don’t own a fucking dog.

Okay, so not all my friends like the same bands as I.  And that’s okay - probably a plus on their part.  But let’s state the converse - if you have any of the following bands in your aural arsenal, then just go ahead and drop me an email to let me know, so that we’re both aware that no, you are no friend of mine.  It goes without saying that almost ALL Heavy Metal, Country, cRAP, anything where a dude strums an acoustic on a bar stool, Jazz, and Soul SUCK, but this list is for mainstream bands that have come into the cognitive perception of all humankind, quite unfortunately.

So here it is - THE TOP 113 SHITIEST BANDS OF ALL TIME!

(this is a work in progress - in no particular order - how can you order such vile insipid anti-art!  Actually, I did try to keep it top-heavy, with the most suckiest bands generally in the first 80 or so slots)

The Eagles
Sublime
Willie Nelson
Aerosmith
Simon and Garfunkel
Art Garfunkel
Paul Simon
Don Henley
Steve Winwood
Traffic
Dan Fogelberg
Grateful Dead
The Band
Garth Brooks
Glenn Frey
Starship
Jefferson Starship
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Crosy Stills and Nash
Fleetwood Mac
Alabama
Bruce Springsteen
Bryan Adams
Meat Loaf
Steely Dan
Nickelback
Justin Timberlake
Bette Midler
Barbara Streisand
Peter Frampton
Donna Summers
Clay Aiken
Peter Cetera
Chicago
Mike Oldfield
Steve Miller Band
Mike and the Mechanics
Boston
Yanni
Kenny G
Michael Bolton
Cher
Celine Dion
Huey Lewis and the News
Eddie Money
Hootie and the Blowfish
Dave Mathews Band
Blues Traveler
John Cougar Mellencamp
Richard Marx
Live
Bob Segar (<-- with and without the Silver Bullet Band)
Blind Melon
Rage Against the Machine
Goo Goo Dolls
Incubus
Barenaked Ladies
Soul Asylum
Soul Coughing
Sugar Ray
Third Eye Blind
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
311
Foo Fighters
Gin Blossoms
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Creed
Stryper
4 Non Blondes
Red House Painters
The Hooters
Jimmy Buffet
Melissa Ethridge
Jeff Buckley
Whitesnake
Mr. Mister
Europe
Bobby McFerrin

Guided by Voices (<-- why does everyone I know love this band?)
Hoobastank
Traveling Wilburys (<-- although I respect Roy Orbison, Mr. Petty, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne (ELO), and Bob Dylan - go figure)
Spin Doctor
Kiss
Insane Clown Posse (<-- ha ha - you guys aren't even bad enough to be worse than Kiss - you even suck at sucking!)
Limp Bizkit
Coldplay
Joe Walsh
Kansas
Matchbox Twenty
Queens of the Stone Age
Primus
Counting Crows

Bonnie Raitt
Lionel Ritchie
The Blasters
Los Lobos
The Call
Kid Rock (<-- unless seeing toothless nappy white skank whores in trailer parks is yo thang)
Black Crowes
Staind
Deftones
Seal
Jesus Lizard
Jimmy Eat World
3 Doors Down
98 degrees
Boyz to Men
New Kids on the Block

Honorable mention (these are fun to hate, due mostly to their popularity and how offensive you’ll find yourself to state them so):

Smashing Pumpkins
Pearl Jam
Stone Temple Pilots
Beach Boys

It’s hard to be the Bad Man without indulging in an adult beverage.  But in all honesty there were three life altering moments that fueled my eventual demise.

In 1995, I honestly wasn’t a practicing alcoholic.  I was a relatively poor student, and having never acquired (thank god) the skill to enjoy that disgusting hoppy aftertaste that we (well, you) all know and love as beer, I couldn’t afford to suck down a decent bottle of wine too often.  That all changed in 1995, when I landed a well paying position at a local software firm and (this is #1) spent a Christmas week with my future father-in-law.  He was what most would (and still do) consider a raging alky, and for 7 days straight we drank spectacular Bordeaux.  I distinctly remember that the idea of drinking EVERY night was a novelty, something I had honestly never considered.  But when I returned home I kept up the tradition.  For the next 20 years.

I had a buddy in college (this is going back in time, so while it is #2 we are going out of chronological order here boys and girls; try to keep up) who claimed the concert-going experience was heightened by the concurrent consumption of booze.  My logical tenant to which I adhered and put forth into the debate was that given that alcohol decreased your cognitive abilities, then you’d loose some of the cerebral input from witnessing the live experience.  Cogito ergo sum.  He (this guy doesn’t drink anymore, now choosing instead to produce and edit hollywood films) convinced me otherwise, and so I found myself enjoying concerts by first getting ripped.  Having subsequently enjoyed being pulled physically from gigs, and completely blacking-out at others, I now know I don’t remember half the concerts I went to in the 90s.  Go figure.

And when the drinking became a noticeable problem, these and other drinking friends scrambled like cockroaches in the bathroom light, leaving me high, but thankfully not dry, to sort life out on my own.

Oh, wait, I said 3 things.  Hmmm, well, being an alcoholic I’ll have to wait until I sober up to recall the third, or maybe there wasn’t one to begin with.  Oh wait, I have it - LIFE SUCKS!.  There, that’s three.

Some people.  “Oh, I love daylight savings time cuz it’s still light out when I get home from work!”  Spoken gleefully by some Neanderthal coworker just coming to terms with their not so innate ability to determine time with something other than a sundial, apparently.  I hate the light.  I love getting off work and it’s already dark.  Whew, what a relief.  Sweet, soothing darkness.  Who the fuck needs it to be light out, anyway?  What are you doing, little missy - building solar panels in your back 40?  I prefer to suck down my fo-D of O.E. in utter blackness.  But I guess that’s just me.

So fuck daylight savings time - I need the cover of darkness to clothe me in it’s warm embracing blanket, armoured from harm and hail, insulated from the prying glare of the hoi polloi.  Take your sun and shove it where the sun don’t shine.